


Though Lovers Be Lost

by eilonwywrites



Category: The Witchlands Series - Susan Dennard
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24169216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eilonwywrites/pseuds/eilonwywrites
Summary: but I’m still times zones awayfrom who I wasthe day before we met.you were the first milewhere my heart brokea sweat.- andrea gibsonMerik Nihar has overcome death, but is it possible to return to the life he once had?
Relationships: Safiya fon Hasstrel/Merik Nihar
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Though Lovers Be Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Don’t ask me why they’re in Marstok or how they freed Merik from Sirmaya. Context has no place here. I just wanted to write some dramatic Safi/Merik angst.

There were disadvantages to being alive.

Merik stood before the Origin Well of Marstok, hands clasped behind his back. The water shimmered with the sky above, stars leagues away now within arms length in the ancient basin. The night air was stifling. Unmoving. Dead.

His witchery was gone.

Merik didn’t know what he expected when he went into the sleeping ice. What was death to a dead man? But here he was _alive_. Given a second chance. Or was it third? 

He ran a hand through his shorn cut hair. _Hell-waters,_ there was so much he didn’t understand.

“There you are.”

Merik’s heart stopped. Swallowing hard, he peered over his shoulder. The sight he saw stole his breath, and beyond his better judgement, he turned to face the woman emerging from the shadows wholly.

A mistake. _Noden curse him_ , even after death he was shown no mercy. 

Safiya fon Hasstrel was a domna once more. She wore a traditional Marstoki gown, a single sheer strip of apricot fabric draped and wound around her body as though bewitched itself, leaving her golden arms bare. Her hair had grown since he last saw her, since he caught her in his arms before plummeting to her death deep in a nightmare of lightning and wind, but the sandy waves still hung short by her shoulders. She wore no adornments, save for the glittering threadstone hanging around her neck. 

Safi’s blue eyes gazed at him from across the forest clearing. 

“Domna.” 

The corner of Safi’s lip tipped up. “I was looking for you.”

Merik offered a stiff nod. The hand clasped upon his wrist behind his back dug into skin and bone. 

Safi made her way towards him, a smile playing on her lips. The grass beneath her feet rustled against the hem of her dress and Merik was momentarily distracted by the swath of exposed gold the slit in her skirts teased with each step she took, her skin practically glowing in the moonlight. But then his gaze traveled lower and the warmth that bubbled in his abdomen was suddenly doused in icy water. 

“What happened to your ankle?”

The question cracked through the night, his voice rough from disuse, and Safi paused her steps, ending on what now Merik realized was a limp. How did he miss it before? She brushed her gown’s fabric out of the way and looked down at the contorted ligament.

“Oh,” she said, the word light, like she’d only just now noticed that her ankle was twisted in such an unnatural way. Scars covered the skin of her foot, crooked and white. She fidgeted with the fabric before rearranging it so that her leg was covered once more. When she faced Merik, she stood a little straighter. Lifted her chin a little higher.

“I broke my foot in Lejna. Well,” -her mouth twisted in a grimace- “The Empress broke my foot. Smashed it with an iron flail while I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find the right pier. It hurt like hell, and obviously, I didn’t make it, but it was worth it.” Safi flashed Merik a wicked grin. “She’ll never admit it, but I managed to give Her Royal Highness a black eye that day.” 

A burning heat filled Merik’s throat. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her ankle. 

It was all his fault. He had failed her, just as he had failed everyone else. It didn’t matter that everything worked out in the end. She’d gotten hurt, and he could have stopped it. 

Safi’s grin faltered in his silence. She fumbled with her skirts, gave the scarred foot a more careful look, then peered back at Merik, hesitation in her eyes. “Does it… does it look bad?”

Merik stared at her. _Blessed Noden_ , how could she look him in the eyes and ask such a thing? Did she not see the monster he’d become? The black shadows were gone, but he’d seen what stared back at him in the rippled waters of the Well. _The Fury._ He looked nothing like the prince he’d been when he’d first met her, all scarred skin and protruding bones. Even as fine as the clothes he wore now were, they hung from his starved body. Getting dressed now was a shameful and exhausting process. Every rustle of silk dragged across his skin like a knife. _Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong._ And Safi-

 _Hell-waters_ , she was rutting beautiful. He could barely stand to look at her. He’d forever be haunted by the kiss they’d shared. Her hands on his skin. Her body writhing against his, hungry, desperate for his touch. The thought of it now only made him feel sick to his stomach. Knowing for a few blessed seconds he had been hers… and that they could never go back to that. He was the prince of Nubrevna no more, and the confidence - the _arrogance_ \- he’d touted around in everything that he did died along with the crown. He’d never be able to expose himself like that to her again. Not when he looked like this. Even if it was taking every bit of strength he had left to not rush over to her and gather her in his arms. For several long, agonizing weeks, he had thought her to be dead and all he wanted right now was to feel her heartbeat next to his. 

Safi was alive. 

_No, not just alive._ She was half of the Cahr Awen. 

Merik had never been a believer in his aunt’s stories. It all rang too close to hearsay and religious fanaticism if you asked him. But now, standing beneath the moonlight with nothing but the glow of fireflies to illuminate her path, there could be no doubt that Safiya fon Hasstrel was the legendary light-bringer. 

If nothing else, her new place in the world solidified everything he’d come to accept. That he was not needed. Not by Nubrevna. Not by his people. Even in his holiest of quests, he’d brought nothing but destruction to those he cared about. 

He would not make that mistake with Safi. She deserved better. 

Safi deserved better than a dead man. Someone like the Hell-Bard commander. Or even that big brute of a man, the one they called Zander. 

It was too much for him. He turned away from her. 

But of course - _of course_ \- she couldn’t leave him in peace. He was a fool to believe she would. 

“Why won’t you look at me?” she demanded. 

Merik said nothing. He heard a huff of air.

“I’ve been looking for you all day.” Frustration laced Safi’s voice, but not enough to hide her concern. 

“I...” Merik tried hoarsely. He shook his head at the raw sound, throat bobbing painfully. “I just needed some time alone.”

“Right. Because a year trapped in a mountain wasn’t enough alone time,” Safi muttered. A strained pause passed. “I was worried.”

Merik rolled his lips through his teeth, the dry skin brittle and cracked. “I am sorry, Domna. I did not mean to trouble you.”

“It-” Safi cut herself off. Her lashes fluttered with annoyed impatience. “I wasn’t _troubled_. I just- goat tits, can’t you just look at me?”

Merik’s jaw clenched and, silently begging Noden for mercy, he granted her her wish. He kept his posture neutral, like a Nubrevnan naval officer at ease, hands still clasped behind his back and feet standing firmly on the ground shoulder length apart. 

“Happy, Domna?”

To his surprise, her eyes narrowed at that. 

“Stop calling me that. _Domna_.”

“It’s what you are, is it not?”

“It’s not the title that bothers me.”

“Then, what?” Merik kept his voice devoid of any emotion. Like Safi was just anyone. 

As if Safiya fon Hasstrel could be just anyone.

“I see you for who you are,” he continued when she didn’t respond. “If only you’d do me the courtesy.”

Safi’s already narrowed eyes turned into slits. “What does that mean?” she spat.

In an instant Merik knew he’d killed any chance of her leaving him alone. _Stupid_. He should have kept his mouth shut. But like Safi, he had a problem keeping his rage in line. A low rumble of frustration ripped through his throat and he swung away from her again. Boots stomping, he paced the small clearing, trying to avoid letting loose the fury his witchery no longer could. The ring of cedar trees seemed to be shrinking in on them. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he retorted sharply, planting himself by the Origin Well. Exactly where he should have stayed in the first place. 

“No, tell me. What did you mean by that?” 

Merik shot a glare at her over his shoulder. Quick and fierce. Long enough to see the angry flush of her cheeks, but quick enough that he didn’t have to feel anything. With a harsh exhale, he whipped back to the waters. Even the ripples in the pool couldn’t hide the horror his face had become. He glared right back at the monster. 

He needed Safi to understand without him saying the words. He needed her to see as he did now.

Merik breathed in deeply, held it, then let the air out slowly - like he would if he were calling on his witchery. He did this again and again and again until his sunken chest rose and fell like the calm roll of the ocean’s waters after a storm. 

He should have been suspicious of the domna’s silence. He wanted more than anything for her to leave him to his misery, but he found himself looking for her over his shoulder anyway. 

Merik didn’t need his witchery to feel the shift in the air. Safi’s expression was unnervingly blank. An undercurrent of fear locked him in place. 

“What happened to you?” she whispered. 

A shiver ran through Merik. His heart quickened against his chest. 

_Come, come, and find release._

_Come, come and face the end._

Merik held her gaze until the words slipped out of him. “I died.” 

The admission hung between them, heavier than the silence. But Safi’s expression never changed. She didn’t flinch. She didn't run. Her storm blue eyes held his, refusing to release him. 

“But...” she said slowly, and Merik could hear the questions coming. None of that mattered though. It was best to end this conversation sooner rather than later. Spare her the pain. 

He released a resigned sigh. “It’s… complicated. And ultimately, doesn’t matter.” 

“Right,” Safi murmured more to herself, nodding over the word. Processing.

Then, her eyes flicked up to meet him.

“You’re right. It doesn’t matter,” she repeated with more conviction. And something else. Had Noden heard his prayers? Was this mercy? Merik felt almost relieved. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore than was necessary and he could feel his resolve cracking.

“You’re here now,” Safi declared, face softening, her lips trembling with the beginnings of a smile.

Merik’s heart sank. 

_Hope_ , he realized. That was the something he had heard before. It saturated the air. Poisoned his lungs. Made him believe what she was feeling. 

_That’s all that matters._ She hadn’t said the words, but he heard them. If only that were true. 

Suddenly, Safi was striding towards him. Long, determined steps. Until she was standing before him, so close that her soft chest almost brushed against his. He could count every freckle on her nose. Smell the faint sea-salt in her hair, on her skin. Horror spiked through him as her hands lifted into the air, time seeming to slow, reaching for his face like she going to- 

“ _No._ ” 

The word ripped from his throat, a monstrous, terrible thing, as Merik spun on his heel. Blood roared in his ears - almost loud enough to hide the cry of frustration from Safi.

“I don’t understand!”

“That much is obvious, Domna,” Merik snipped and instantly hated himself for it. He needed to get control over himself. But she’d almost touched him. He’d almost _let_ it happen. Almost gave in to his darkest desire. 

_Monster_. 

A ripple of disgust rolled through him. 

“I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Merik’s head snapped to Safi, and one look at her downturned eyes, her chin dipped low, he knew he was in Noden’s watery hell. He’d thought he’d known it before, been damned to walk the world with one foot in his grave. But that was nothing compared to this. Noden had his trident buried halfway into his heart from the moment Safi entered the clearing and he’d just twisted it the rest of the way. 

“You deserve more,” Merik finally forced himself to say, heart squeezing painfully. “And I…” he swallowed, unable to finish the thought. He shook his head once and straightened his spine. “This is for the best.”

“Don’t.” Safi’s voice cut through his like a knife as her eyes snapped up to him. “My whole life men have made decisions for me. Men I cared about. Men I _trusted_. All in the name of what’s best for me.”

“And _I,_ ” Merik ground out, “have spent my whole life seeing what I want to see. I will do that no more. Not to you. I know what I look like. _Who_ I look like.”

“Who-?” Safi’s eyes widened, flickering back and forth over Merik’s face in confusion. “What in Noden’s blighted waters are you talking about?”

Merik barked a single bitter laugh. He’d had enough. It was time to end this. Pull out Noden’s trident and let his heart bleed out. One last death.

“The irony,” he sneered. “A Truthwitch who can’t hear her own lies.” 

Hurt flashed across Safi’s face. She gaped at him, stunned, and Merik, ignoring the way his chest felt like it was being ripped open, marched away from her, away from the Origin Well, and disappeared into the trees. 

It took Safi all of three seconds to recover, then, she was scrabbling after him. Desperate hands grabbed at his tunic as though to stop him.

_Just keep moving._

“Merik, please. I don’t understand.” 

“Enough, Domna.” 

“Can’t we at least talk?” Safi’s voice grew more and more panicked as she tried to keep up.

“There’s nothing more to be said,” Merik growled. She had no idea how much it was hurting him to let her go. “My face says it all.”

Safi breathed a hysterical laugh. “Do you really think me so shallow? Is that all you think I see?”

“It’s all anyone can see. And you pretending that you can’t is pathetic. I don’t need your lies.”

“Lies?” Safi cried. “ _Lies?!_ Merik Nihar you are a sodding cow with balls for brains! Do you want to know what I truly see?” 

It was too much. _She_ was too much. Merik finally came to a crashing halt and whirled around, a tornado of fury, seconds away from tearing through the infuriating woman he was so unquestionably in love with, obliterating them both until there was nothing left to salvage.

“Yes, Domna, tell me,” he shouted, voice echoing through the trees. “Tell me! _What do you see?”_

With the same unbridled ferociousness, two fists gripped the open collar of Merik’s tunic and Safi yanked him to her. Her face hovered barely an inch from his and she thrust her chin into the air forcing him to see nothing but her eyes. They glistened with determination and unshed tears. 

“I see a man I once thought was lost to me,” she breathed. Desperation caught in her throat. A sob begging to be wrenched free. “Please, Merik. If you died - if you truly did die - _please_. Do not make me lose you again.” 

A big fat tear escaped the corner of her eye and the storm raging inside Merik reached its final crescendo. He wrenched Safi to him and his lips crashed into hers.

Gone was the ice cold sleep. Gone was the puppeteer. All there was was Safi, and, with her heart thrumming against him, he realized with stunning clarity that _this_ was magic. Kissing Safi was the first three seconds after leaping off a cliff, the moment before your witchery ignites, when you’re falling and there’s nothing but you and the open air. 

Release rumbled through his throat, dark like thunder, as his hand buried itself in her hair and he deepened the kiss, surrendering himself to her completely, until the fiery hunger devoured his fear and doubt and burned it all away. Safi sighed into him, her arms trapped against him, hands still gripping his collar. He felt the hard press of her knuckles dig into his chest, almost painful. He welcomed it and the bliss of knowing that she was here with him that came with it.

And then it was over. Lightheaded, Merik leaned forward to brace his forehead against Safi’s, the heat of her blazing on his skin. Moonlight spilled through the leaves painting them in ethereal light, their shared ragged breathing was almost deafening, alone, deep in the woods. Tears clung to Safi’s eyelashes, stained her flushed cheeks. Merik cradled her face in both his hands, his thumbs gently smoothing away the wetness.

“Please don’t cry,” he whispered. “Please.”

She laughed, a watery thing that broke Merik’s heart. “Then stop being a royal ass.” 

Merik couldn’t help it - he smiled and kissed her again. Gentle this time. A slow press of his lips to hers. 

Many minutes passed before another word was said. The sounds of the forest slowly returned as Merik’s pounding heart settled and his blood hummed with happiness. He watched Safi slowly rolled her lips together. A sign of restlessness. But he continued to absently caress the blush of her cheek, perfectly content with taking inventory of every inch of her face and committing it to memory. The freckles dusting her sandy skin. The moon glittering in her blue eyes. The bump along the bridge of her nose.

_Hold on._

Merik traced the slope of Safi’s nose with his index finger and paused at the small protrusion. 

“Where did this come from?” he asked. Unlike with the ankle, there wasn’t so much concern in the question as there was exasperation. 

Safi pursed her lips, fighting a smirk.

“Well?” he demanded. It was like scolding a child. 

“Would you believe, I got into a duel with a pirate queen?” 

“You know, Domna, I would.” Merik pulled back slightly - enough so that he was able to give her a once over, but not so much that he had to release her from his embrace. He didn’t plan on doing that any time soon. “Tell me, are there any other new facets to your being that I should be aware of?”

Although the question aired on the side of teasing, Merik’s eyes darkened. He was entirely serious. If she had been hurt in any other way, he wanted to know. 

Color rose to Safi’s cheeks under the intensity of his gaze. “None that I can think of. Though,” she murmured, peering coyly at him, “perhaps there’s something I’m forgetting. It may be worth your while to do a more thorough search somewhere more private.”

Merik’s heart skipped a beat. And judging by the smug way Safi’s lips curled, she felt it.

Merik never thought he’d ever feel the scorch of lust ever again after dying. His body was a broken, dead thing to be poked and prodded by Esme’s merciless hands. And yet, blessed heat fanned out deep in his core, melting his defenses from the inside out. Desire was a feeling long since forgotten until now. But however wonderful it felt, he pushed the sensation down. Just the thought of Safi enduring more suffering than what he already knew was enough to snuff out the flame between them. 

“I’m serious, Safi.”

Safi tilted her head and let her hands wander up his chest. “So am I.”

A fresh wave of yearning flashed through Merik, more powerful than the one before. There was no uncertainty in her sapphire eyes. He felt his face flush and blinked away, only to become very aware of the silk wrapped over the lovely slope of her shoulder. One tug and he was sure he’d have her bare. It almost frightened him how fast his mind went there, when minutes ago he could barely stand the thought of putting himself in such a vulnerable and intimate position. If he were honest, even in his lust-dazed mind, it still made his stomach queasy.

Something must have registered on his face, because Safi’s playful smile faded. Merik felt her left hand twitch, warm against him - and then, it was gone. He could scarcely breathe as he watched her carefully raise herself to his scarred cheek. Her eyes never left him, watching for any sign of discomfort or unwant, hand hovering inches away from his face.

This time Merik stayed where he was, resisting the urge to pull away. _He could do this._ His grip tightened on her waist in anticipation and he closed his eyes, heart pounding against his chest, in his ears, overwhelming all other senses. 

There was no stopping the sharp hiss of breath when skin met skin. Safi’s touch, like his witchery, was a ghost of what should have been there. He could barely feel it, most of the nerves on that side of his face burned away in the explosion that killed him. 

Grief he couldn’t explain throbbed at the base of his throat. A burning sensation that spread behind his eyes. He cracked them open and his chest expanded painfully at the sight of Safi’s eyes. They were the color of the sky - and he was falling headlong into it.

Merik expelled the air that he’d been holding and let himself lean into her phantom touch.

Maybe it didn’t matter that he couldn’t feel her. Maybe knowing mattered more than feeling. Knowing that it was Safi touching him. Standing in his arms, warm and alive, looking at him like he was the only thing that existed. 

Besides, he did feel it. In his heart. 

“I thought you weren’t that type of girl,” Merik murmured huskily when he found his voice again. 

“I’m not,” Safi murmured back, her thumb still stroking the ridged skin just below his eye. “But I’m also not the same girl you met in Veñaza.” 

“Nor am I the same man.” Merik’s forehead dropped to her’s. He pressed his eyes shut like he was praying to Noden for help. A shaky breath rattled his chest and he felt the tear that fell from his undamaged eye. “Safi, there’s so much I still need to tell you. I wasn’t lying when I said it was complicated."

“Then tell me,” she urged him kindly. “I want to know everything.” She paused. “Is that something you think you can do?”

Merik nodded numbly, overcome with emotion. He kept his downturned gaze anchored to the hand on his chest covering his heart.

“Ok,” whispered Safi before falling into silence. Then: “Can I at least kiss you one more time before you do?”

Merik answered her with a searing kiss, and a whisper of a breeze rustled through the trees, carrying a promise of hope. 

**Author's Note:**

> Um so I may write a sequel to this. 
> 
> Was I hinting in that last line that Merik's magic came back? Maybe!
> 
> The pandemic has been really hard on my ED and depression and I kind of just poured everything I’ve been feeling into this. I tried to keep everyone in character as best I could. 
> 
> I feel like Merik would have a really hard time accepting his new appearance. One of my favorite parts in Windwitch is when Merik examines his injuries closely for the first time in Kullen’s flat. It resonated very strongly with me as I have a very hard time looking at myself in the mirror and facing the changes in my body. He’s also such a deeply emotional person and sometimes his feelings take him to these really extreme ways of thinking (i.e. the whole conspiracy theory of Vivia trying to kill him), so I don’t think it’s a stretch that he’d judge his body so harshly and putting an unfair amount of worth in it. Also, the experience of dying and losing consent over his body at Esme’s hand is, um, Alot. I can see him channel all that trauma into hating his body. 
> 
> Hopefully, my feelings translated agreeably with the source material. It was cathartic to write and a nice opportunity to try my hand at writing within the original story as opposed to my usual silly modern AU stuff. I think I did ok. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
